Marriage is two people's business, but conflict often becomes four families' business. For couples fighting over in-laws, the real fight is usually not with the parents but over "whose side is my partner on here."
"They're my parents, why are you like this" invites disaster
When a partner shields their own parents unconditionally, the other is left alone. But wanting your partner to bash their parents with you is also too much. What's needed isn't "criticizing the parents" but "having my feelings acknowledged."
Core rule: each stands in front of their own parents
It's standard for the husband to front issues with his side, the wife with hers. Talking to your own parents hurts less and doesn't use your partner as a human shield. "I'll talk to my mom about that" protects the relationship.
What they want from you is siding, not solving
When they say "it upset me when your mother said that," "was she wrong, though?" is the worst reply. "That must have really upset you, I'll handle it better next time", side with them first, solve later.
Setting boundaries, the courage to be disliked
Trying to satisfy everyone wrecks the couple. Agree as a couple first on rules like "one day at each family for holidays," "big decisions we settle between us before telling anyone," and each relays them to their own parents. Rules look cold but keep the relationship for the long haul.
If it still won't resolve
If in-law issues keep turning you against each other, start by laying out objectively what each of you wants and what hurt. Usually it's not "who's right" but the loneliness of "I feel like I'm carrying this alone."
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