There's a reason counseling spikes after holidays. Holiday fights aren't about the cooking itself but the unfairness of roles it exposes and the loneliness of "no one's on my side."
The real trigger, unfairness
If at one family's home you rest like a guest while at the other you work all day, resentment builds on its own. Holidays compress the usually-invisible imbalance of labor and roles into a single day.
The wound of 'you didn't take my side'
The bigger wound comes less from the workload than from your spouse looking away while you struggle. The moment they don't back you in front of their own parents, the loneliness of "I'm alone in this family" sets in.
Fix 1: become a 'team' before the holiday
Before arriving at either family's home, the couple has to become one team first. Agreeing in advance, "signal me if you're uncomfortable," "I'll handle this part", removes the feeling of facing it alone.
Fix 2: balance both families, and stand in the middle
Adjust a structure where you linger only at one family's home, and make it the rule that each handles talking to their own parents. Just not using your spouse as a shield against your parents cuts holiday conflict in half.
If it blows up in the same spot every holiday, have each of you sort out exactly what stung this time. Confirming it was "feeling alone" rather than "too much work" changes how you prepare for the next one.
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